Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Penny for a thought.

Quite a long time ago (Cannot remember when leh!), during the evening, I took a rest. Then I decided to recall and recollect about my past, the memories, experiences, moments and the people whom I've met. I sat at my living room sofa with my eyes close and simply listened to the sound of nature. The birds chirping, dogs barking, group of teenagers laughing away, the cars and church bells.

Instantly, 'The SJC Days' came to my mind. I remember walking to school everyday feeling extremely sleeply and lazy. While walking, my mind is all about my friends and the teachers. Not that I care about the teachers, but what monkey plans will I tell my friends later to anger the teachers or where is the best place to smoke and etc.

Looking back and standing as an outsider, I was thinking, "Aiyo, this is one problematic child." Yes, I was horribly hopeless. I was a bad student, friend, daughter and girlfriend. (Note: But not as a Person.) I've made many mistakes but I wasn't aware. Mistakes that I didn't even know it was a mistake! I also realised I wasn't good at expressing emotions in words and neither was I good at controlling it. All I did was BLAST IT. I'd tell anyone straight in their face how much they suck and I'd swear at them.

Before, losing a friend meant nothing to me. I was prideful, arrogant and stuck up. I was very self-centered and ignorant. None of my friends could stand me and neither could I tolerate them.(Eh same same ok!) I was a hot-tempered, foul-mouthed monster, I believe that's how they see me.

1998 to 2002, I was a zombie. I lived by everyday with no goals and values, I felt disgusted looking back at myself. Met new people and embarrassed myself, went to places and humiliate myself, had conversations with people and made a fool of myself. It was depressing. I had a mental breakdown.

Now, I have learned. I used to get angry over situation which I cannot control, but I've learned that even though I couldn't control the situation, like example, friends, weather, misfortune and etc. There is one thing I can control, which is my emotions. I've also learned that no one can hurt me unless I allow them to. Really. I used to think that everything is The Problem and I tried to eliminate them, I avoided reality. I tried to use simple techniques and quick fixes to get me out of situations, like example, lying, coaxing and etc. But it's all wrong. It'll never bring me far. As quoted, "For every thousand hacking at the leaves of evil, there is one striking at the roots." Problems lies in Character. It is only the principle-centered will go far.

I've also learned to listen with an intent to listen and not listen with an intent to respond. Most importantly, I've learned what is love. Let me tell you a story.(Haha, short one la!)

This particular man was having some problems with his marriage and so he seeked advice from this diplomat.

"I like what you're saying. But every situation is so different. Look at my marriage. I'm really worried. My wife and I just don't have the same feelings for each other like we used to have. I guess I just don't love her anymore and she doesn't love me. What can I do?"

"The feeling isn't there anymore?", the diplomat asked.

"That's right," he reaffirmed. "And we have three children we're really concern about. What do you suggest?"

"Love her."

"I told you, the feeling isn't there anymore."

"Love her."

"You don't understand. The feeling of love just isn't there."

"Then love her. If the feeling isn't there, that's a good reason to love her."

The man in distress was confused and so he asked, "But how do you love when you don't love?"

"My friend, love is a verb. Love-the feeling-is a fruit of love, the verb. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you willing to do that?"

This story was like, right in my face! It's mind blowing, a total 360 degree paradigm shift.

As quoted, "Everyday I wake up and try to be a better me."